Time for me on The Biggest Loser… I guess.

Children WILL help you to discover your biggest fears, revealing them in all of their fiery and humiliating glory.

The Plinkas just discovered how to use the electronic scale on their own.

They each weighed. They each weighed 47.0lbs.

Then they wanted me to get on the scale. I politely declined. They insisted.

They wanted to know if I weighed more than 47lbs. I assured them that I most certainly did, but it was no use. We went back and forth as you do with two 4 year-olds… until I finally gave in.

I put the scale next to the counter so that I could discreetly give myself some lift, hovering for an appropriate reading…

A side note: for anyone who does not yet have children, this may not be making any sense to you. You are probably thinking that I am some kind of paranoid freak who is actually delusional and fearful that my children will judge me and love me less once they know what I weigh. If that were the case, I would be a size 2 and I would be famous for inventing the world’s first breakfast salad… Not the situation at all. You see, at 4 years old, everything that happens at home is recited in explicit detail to teachers and staff at school, the grocery checker, the other moms at a play date, or really, anyone on God’s Green Earth who will listen.  Random facts and mundane incidents that one would never think to share are held tight until just the right moment when, like canon balls of shame, they can fired in a mortifying display of honesty. So, getting on the scale in front of both Plinkas is akin to wearing a t-shirt with my weight screen-printed across the front. And since I have not yet chosen that as my fashion statement du jour, I would rather just use the scale in private… but I digress.

So. I get on the scale feeling like I have this one locked up tight. Using all the strength in my right arm, I hover over the scale until it says I weigh a respectable 112lbs (because what do they really know, right?).

Both Plinkas gasp loudly in horror as if I just dropped their iPads in the toilet. (To be honest, I do feel like that some days when I get on the scale, but I don’t vocalize it. And, now I know it is 1,000 times worse to add sound effects to the occasion.)

XX: (Gasp) OH. My. Glob. That is sooooo much!

XY: (Gasp) Mom! You are so big! You weigh one hunderd million twelve pounds!?!?!?!?!

Me: Yes. Yes, I do. 100 Million Twelve pounds.

—

Mission accomplished. Sort of.

Tags: Biggest loser, embarrassing stories, kids, scale, weight