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I have Mother of the Year locked down.

In the last month I have:

1. Lost a child in an elevator
2. Allowed a child to fall down the stairs
3. Was present when a friend lost a child in downtown Hong Kong
4. Fed my children Mc Donald’s 4 times
5. And now…

I have a strange compulsion to buy those miniature bottles of booze that they keep at the checkout of the liquor store. It all started when I had this insane a-hole of a boss who was so tight with expenses that anything pricier than the dollar menu at Taco Bell was coming out of my own pocket. So, I started buying the mini bottles for my luggage because truly – he drove me to drink. Anyway, I haven’t worked for him for years, but I still compulsively buy them and keep them around. They are a fun way to try the weird stuff (like coco-watermelon vodka) without committing to an entire bottle, and they come in handy when you run out of everything else.

…And now I have discovered invented the best boo boo treatment ever! Noooooo – I didn’t booze my kid up, though I know that is what many of you are thinking… I keep some of these little bottles in the freezer, for obvious reasons. Tonight, we had a typical ‘run away from Mommy and run my head into the wing of the toy airplane’ moment, complete with big swollen goose-eggie eyebrow. Now typically, I would rush for ice, except that the kids hate it and always squirm away because it is either too cold or too wet or too whatever. (Also, my Macallan calls for a cube, and there were only three left in the tray.) Then I thought, I might try the Chinese egg trick from my previous post, but the injury wasn’t severe enough to justify waiting 8 minutes to hard boil one. I needed something now. I needed something cold. I needed… Aquavit! I pulled out a little frozen bottle, wrapped it in a paper towel and pressed it to his boo boo. Amazing. It was cold enough to be effective, the little concave bottom fit right over the lump, the smooth rounded surface was excellent for applying pressure and smoothing away the swelling, AND no dripping. No squirming. He loved it and just laid there and let me play nurse. If the injury were worse, I could drink it as soon as the trauma drama was over. Perfect in every way. So, I am coining my new remedy: Boo Booze, invented by Mother of the Year.

Tags: Boo Booze, Twins